Father’s Day Love 2010

Dearest Dad,

How long has it been since I wrote to you? 

Dare I admit seven years?  Yes, seven years.  I had the idea for this Father’s Day love letter two years ago. Remember what your sister, Maura, used to say? “The Road to Hell is Paved With Good Intentions.”  Finally this good intention will see the light of day. 

This letter is for you, Dad, may you rest in peace, and for anyone who stumbles upon this page.  And, for your beloved wife, who is still in love with you.  For your children and grandchildren.  For your friends and my friends.  It is a tribute to you, dear Dad.

This letter may be a bit “all over the place” so forgive me.  It is not polished. Don’t mind the grammar or typos.  I gave up perfection for good enough this year so finally you’ll have your love letter. And, I really do love you, Dad! 

I’ll start with this letter with one you wrote me when I was in college.  I cherish it. I think it is the perfect template for any Dad to write (even in an email) to his daughter in college.  I know you truly loved me and cared for me.  Here’s what you wrote:

I appreciate you writing this especially since you and your good friend Gerry Hill shared the secret of my first boyfriend from high school.  After your funeral, during the reception, Gerry came up to me while I was speaking with two male friends from high school.  He asked these men, “Is either of you Ricky?” They answered no.  Then Gerry looked me straight in the eye and said, “Your father told me a story about Ricky – Is it true?”  I doubled over laughing knowing that you were looking down at me.  I thank you Dad for never admonishing me for my “early exploration” with Ricky which could be assumed to be a questionable path of virtue.  But you did get the last laugh.  

I called Ricky later that night and told him what had transpired.  We had a walk down memory lane.  You taught me that your friends shape you.  Your mother, my dear grandmother, used to say to me, “Show me your friends and I’ll tell you who you are.”  I’ve stayed in touch with many friends over the years and I’ve stayed in touch with lovers and boyfriends.  These people have all shaped me.  How grateful I am for their influence. We’ve shared our trials and tribulations.  We’ve shared our sorrow and love.  And Ricky, my first love, will always hold a place in my heart. 

Today, I spent the day in the strong arms of a man who loves me.  You would like him.  He is a man of character and conviction.  He is genuine and authentic. He’s also crazy for my legs and I thank you for letting me take after you in this anatomy.  You passed on some fine genes.  I am one lucky gal in so many ways.  And, so are my sisters.

Much further back, when I was 10 years young, you presented me with a charm bracelet with 10 charms.  Each charm had inscribed the Ten Commandments.  The Fifth Commandment, Honor Thy Father and Thy Mother, is unequivocal and unconditional. 

I always revered and respected you.  In fact, I sort of feared you, as you had the “last word” on any difficult matter.  You had veto power.  You bestowed many favors on me, my sisters and my mother.  Your memory is always for a blessing.  

Dear father, you gave me the gift of life and for that I am eternally grateful.  Life, so precious a gift, is the sole reason to honor your father (and mother) and to respect and relate with dignity.
The trait of appreciation brings me closer to you.   You gave me life and an opportunity to serve others in a meaningful way. 
        
Dad you always honored your wife, my mother. It was an integral part of your life and it was very natural.  Your heart, your very being, prompted you to honor mom.  I know that your father died of pneumonia when you were only ten years old and the experience impelled you to become a doctor and want to help heal people.  You always had the sense that your father’s death was unnecessary and good medicine could have saved him.  This translated into your desire to help humanity in their hour of medical need.

Now I am going to tell a little about you to my friends who may not know all the details of your very full and exciting life.

My father was born in Oranmore, in the County Galway, Ireland, the eldest of seven children.  He went by JJ or Joe. In Galway, he attended St. Mary’s followed by many years at St. Joseph’s.  He often spoke of cycling six miles to and from school each day.  While he was growing up, he was a member of the militia and trained as a young soldier which he excelled in especially as a sharpshooter.   He subsequently entered medical school at the National University of Ireland, Galway (formerly University College Galway).

A talented sportsman, passionate about the Irish sport of hurling, he was on the inter-varsity college hurling team, winning three Fitzgibbon medals. He was also a boxer.

Additional medical education at the Coombe Hospital, and other Dublin hospitals, allowed him to do locum tenens in the industrial cities of northern England.  Later, with a desire to see more of the world, he joined the British Merchant Navy sailing on P&O vessels from England to the Middle and Far East as Ship’s Surgeon, twice encircling the globe.

Dad joined the Canadian Army as an officer in the Royal Canadian Army Medical Corps. He served in Korea during and after the hostilities before being posted to Japan.  In peacetime, Dad continued his education at the University of Toronto, in Canada, receiving his Public Health Degree.  He was posted to Montreal and this allowed him to meet my mother who had just graduated from Nursing School. He was able to “talk shop” with my mom which was key to their long and happy marriage.  Dad rejoined the civilian population and began service with the Dept of National Health and Welfare including senior port Doctor and later medical officer in charge at Pier 21, the major port of entry of immigrants to Canada at that time. 

In recognition of his service, my father was invited by the South Korean government to a revisit at the 50th anniversary of the end of the Korean war in April, 2003. Unfortunately he passed away on February 1.  I took my Dad’s place and accompanied my mother to Korea.  My mother represented him at the honorary banquet and was she was presented with his Ambassador for Peace Medal.

Dad and Mom raised four daughters.  Dad was also blessed with wonderful grandchildren.
He lived a full life and taught me many lessons.

He also was a bit of a practical joker.

In the fifth grade I was very excited about our new science class.  We were setting up microscopes.  Part of the assignment was to bring in items that we could look at under the microscope.   Since my Dad was a doctor I knew he had all kinds of slides that could be looked at under the microscope. So I phoned him at work and requested he bring some slides home.  He was happy to comply.

The next day I proudly displayed these slides.  Other kids brought in boring items like onion skins to look at.  The slide that brought the most attention was getting oohs and aahhs from the class.  The teacher, who was also the minister’s wife, had a look.  She asked me what it was.  I said the name of it was on the slide but I could not pronounce it.  She lifted up the slide and read it.  It read “Gonorrhea.”    

One of the lessons that my Dad taught was that our main choice in this world is whether or not to act with goodness. 

He often said our world is “going to hell in a hand basket.”  He said that our world is lacking moral underpinnings, celebrities have become role models, and the reverence for God has subsided. People have become bitter; feel entitled, and lack kindness and generosity.  This is all because their souls are empty.  He followed his religion and felt that connected him to God.

He implored, “How do you change this world?” His reply was always the same and it hit home. He said, “It is by your words, deeds, and actions.  You become a gentleman by acting like a gentleman. You become a lady by acting like a lady.  You be come kind by doing deeds of kindness.  You become generous by giving. You become good by sharing goodness.”

My father understood that New Year’s resolutions without universal principles are fleeting. There are three universal principles that need regular resolution and are a guidepost for living life.

When you “check-in” with yourself, you resolve to get back on track based on these three principles. You resolve to get back into integrity with yourself. You must make a promise, a vow, to yourself to regularly resolve so you can accelerate and transform for the better life and, potentially, increase your positive influence with other people. 

However, the momentum required, like getting out of the starting blocks when running a race, takes massive effort.  The space shuttle takes tremendous fuel to get off the ground to break away from the earth’s gravity that is restraining it.   There are powerful restraining forces that work against our resolutions and new initiatives. 

Can you learn to make promises and to keep them? Especially to yourself.

First, Dad said, deal with the force of physical appetites and obsessions and resolve to exercise self-discipline and conscious self-denial.

A man is shaped by his deeds, words, actions, and the company he chooses to keep.

My Dad knew all about over-indulgence. Because of the need to feed her family, his mother opened a Public House (PUB) in Ireland.  As I mentioned earlier, his was the eldest of seven children and his father died when he was ten.  He saw first-hand with the drunks what happens when you over-indulge physical appetites and addictions with alcohol and food.  He knew that this impaired the clear functioning of our mental processes and judgments as well as our social and intimate relationships.

There is a need to give up present pleasure for future gain.  (I used to fight him on this one but in the end he was right). That is redirecting your energy from your hungry appetite and desires with self-management, self-discipline, and conscious self-denial for your greater good.  Sometimes, in the case of addiction, abstinence is required.

Intemperance adversely affects our judgment and wisdom.  We have a choice, either we control our appetites and urges, or they control us. 

As a doctor, he knew that if we feel entitled and get permissive and overeat, or fail to get enough rest, don’t bother to exercise, then, the quality of our personal lives and our professional career will be negatively affected.

The live-forever attitude of youth shifts with age and a changing metabolism. If we become slaves to our stomachs and physical addictions, the physical takes control of our mind and will.

How about your sexual appetite? Does it control you or do you control it? Napoleon Hill called this ability transmutation which transforms (sexual) energy into creativity for other purposes.  Holding back from immediate indulgence is an essential in resolving and overcoming temptation.

I heeded my Dad’s words on this.  And, if I may boldly and vainly say, I am HOT because I did follow his sage advice.  I probably need to work on humility.

My Dad had decorum and knew discipline. My friends respected him and called him Dr. or Sir. Never by JJ or Joe.  One look from him would make anyone stand up at attention.

He said in order to enjoy an average awesome day, start with the first resolution of the day which is to get up at a certain time. That requires discipline.  As a military man, discipline and self-management started with the clock.  Starting a day with an early victory over self-defeating habits leads to more victories. 

As Napoleon has said, “Fail to plan and plan to fail.”  Success begets success. There is no shortcut to lasting success.

Next, Dad said, resolve to deal with the powerful forces of ego and misaligned action. Ego is what is behind anger, hatred, envy, jealousy, pride and prejudice and it lies the root of wanting to feel accepted, worthy, approved and esteemed by others.

We can use a HEALTHY dose of pride, vanity and pretense to motivate us towards our goals and feelings of self-confidence.   There is a “fake it ‘til you make it” factor just like actors rehearsing for their role.  It is not about self-deception; it is about self-growth and taking the first step with your imagination by simply pretending.

Our thoughts and convictions mold us and make us who we are.  The mind is tricky, playing games, capable of rationalizing when ideas appear demanding or restrictive.  It is your character and competence that you need to work on daily. It is your INTENTION that is behind the action. Through doing good deeds and taking positive action our personality and character traits are shaped until we have become what we have hoped and “pretended to be.” Then we are on the path to fulfilling our purpose. When you force yourself by denying the laziness and excuses and use self-discipline to propel yourself forward you can tap into your internal pure energy.

The story of Lord Hell by Max Beerbohm is about a man who is as awful as his name who PRETENDS to be someone he is not.

So the moral of the story is that the conditioning, deeds, and actions of a righteous person left an imprint on his mind and soul and he became the person he once pretended to be.

Socrates said: "The greatest way to live with honor in this world is to be what we pretend to be." What you pretend to be starts with your thoughts and positive attitude.

Ron Herman says: "A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort."

My Dad would agree, Ron. Nothing is more disarming to a person who is full of trickery and deception than a person who takes the high road and acts with straightforward honesty—that's the one thing manipulators can't deal with. A positive attitude is a beautiful thing.

When you are living in harmony with your core principles, your individual truths and personal values, you can be honest, straightforward and live with integrity. You start with the idea and grow into the accurate concept of yourself based on your hub purpose. Without a hub purpose your actions are misaligned. Your sense of self is developed with your imagination and the actions that follow.  Again, intention is the key. Intent is the seed of the language of love.  Does your love precede and infuse your every communication?

Have self-respect and know your inner essence. That drives your core purpose. Have a core HUB that the spokes of your life revolve around.  The HUB is the intention behind your purpose: “Know God. Know purpose. No God? No purpose.”   Your hub purpose could be your faith and that will be the determining factor for all other decisions and actions.  Your hub purpose could be something else.  But whatever it is, that is what drives you.   You are the navigator in your own life.

Finally, Dad said, overcome greed and the need for fame that is purely selfish.  If you have unbridled ambition for money and power transmute that energy and dedicate your resources and talent to serve others and with a code of nobility and honor.

If you are the type of person who is "looking out for number one" and always asking what's in it for me," you are missing the sense of being an agent for good.  What are the worthy principles, purposes, charities and causes you wish to align yourself with?

Do your actions begin with words to set the intention? “This or something better for the highest good for all involved” then unleashes positive energy through your work and actions.

Do you have humility, the mother of all virtues, or are you constantly manipulating to promote your own agenda?  “Enter into any love with total humility, recognizing it is a great privilege to be able to love.”

Are you only focused on power, domination, money, wealth, fame, position, prestige, and possessions? Aspiring people seek their own glory and are deeply concerned with their own agenda.  Others are seen as competitor or conspirator. Relationships, even intimate ones, lack cooperation. Threats, fear, bribery, pressure, deceit, and charm are used to achieve their ends and beat the competition.

Is being “liked” by a person or a group/social situation so important to you that you willingly change into a chameleon or pretzel to please others?  Do you want to win more popularity and esteem in the eyes of others?  Are you a fair-weather friend who does not stand up for a friend in need or who is being bullied because you don’t have the courage and fear that the bully will pick on you next or may ostracize you from the group? 

Is you own personal achievement so paramount that your family becomes secondary and your friends a distant thought?   Do you treat people as possessions?  Such possessive love is destructive.

It is the spirit of service which you rise up to your highest purpose.  

And the key to this is self-love.  Self-control and self-effectiveness is the management of the constant urges that distract us.  Even if you wish to be the "servant of the people," if you are not your own master then you become the slave of whatever primal urges master you.

Thank you for all these lessons, Dad.   They require constant checking in.  Like breathing.

I want to share one more thing with you, Dad. 

I haven’t really said much about the work I am doing now and I’m sure that you would get a kick out of my current projects.  So much of what I am doing has been greatly influenced by you.

You are a MASTERMAN.  You are my ideal.  I wish men could meet you  today and learn from you. 

The definition of a Masterman is derived from how YOU lived your life: A man who exudes mastery and integrity because he has self-discipline, confidence, clarity of purpose on a daily basis, and strategic direction of his life. Women are extremely attracted to a masterman (think Rockstar), young boys clamor to be lead by a masterman, and peers seek the counsel of a masterman often in the context of a mastermind group. A masterman has mastered the art of initiative and positively contributes and participates in the lives of others. A masterman is a success in all aspects of his life.

Dad, your life was a success.  Your family honors and respects you.  Your friends admire you.  You are a Masteman of  Life!

You have often quoted James Connolly (1868-1916) “The great only appear great because we are on our knees, let us rise!”  Well, Dad, you will always be a great man in my eyes and I am not on my knees.

My sisters and I and your grandchildren, and I presume your great-grandchildren and future generations will treasure your good name. Your descendants will continue your life and your family will endure. 

Your sense of family values gives me a sense of stability.  It is a blessing for all time. I love you, Dad.

Your Loving Daughter,
XO

P.S. I’ve added a few of your favorite passages.

He Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven

By William Butler Yeats (1865-1939)

Had I the heavens’ embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

From: Remembered Kisses: An Illustrated Anthology of Irish Love Poetry, 1996. 
A gift I gave you just weeks before you left this earth.

PSALM 23

The Lord is my Shepherd:
I shall not want. He maketh
me to lie down in green pastures:
He leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul;
He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness
for his name’s sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will bear no evil for
Thou art with me: Thy rod and Thy staff
they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me
in the presence of mine enemies;
Thou anointest my head with oil;
My cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life:
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for
ever.